You might see one of these birds, known as a grackle, and think – oh, a nice little crow. You might even think it’s pretty and cute like this little grackle right there.
But, don’t let it fool you. (They don’t really look like that. See the evil grackle depicted below).
This is the evil kinda bird that inspires birds everywhere to become evil.
Don’t believe me? Well let’s examine this foul fowl. (Bitchin’ 60′s lingo! oh yeah!)
It has beady little black eyes.
All the better to see you with while it pecks your eyes out.
Good birds have nice big eye balls like Precious Moments figurines.
Its plumage is the color choice of creatures of the night everywhere.
Okay, think about it. Would Big Bird be such a good guy if he wasn’t yellow?
It’s never alone. If you happen come across one grackle, get ready to duck and cover b/c there are 40,000 more grackles behind you, ready to peck your eyes out. They are like flying rat roaches. Nice animals don’t swarm. When was the last time you saw a swarm of 1000 cute and fluffy bunnies? Btw, if you do see a pack of bad ass bunnies, its only b/c the grackles saddled them up cuz they didn’t want to fly anymore. Cute bunnies work well for their MO.
Sure, people will think, “Oh look a cute bunny, and another, and another.” Then they notice there are 1000s of bunnies!!! But it’s too late. The bunny decoys lured the stupid human right where the grackles wanted.
Now the dumb human is surrounded, and the grackles are thinking “I call the eye balls!!!!” There is never only one grackle. If you only see one, it’s already too late. You’re a dead man.
Its name is evil. GRACKLE. Does that sound like a nice little love bird to you? Any name that makes you scrape phlegm out of your throat is indicative of a bad bird.
Let’s try these famous/ nice bird names: Big Bird. Sounds pretty. Sounds nice. No throaty scrape-ie sound.
And that’s the end of the list. Why? Cuz most birds are evil! Yeah, Ravens, Crows, and the ultimate evil bird – GR(insert phleg
m here)ACK(spew a little)LES(cuz they are never alone).
Its call is unnatural. Have you ever heard these things? You’d expect a crow caw or bird song of some sort, but no. Evil birds don’t sing. That’s why Disney didn’t paint a grackle tweeting back at Snow White from its perch at the end of her pretty little finger.
They make horrid noises that make listening to fingernails on a chalkboard sound pleasant. Grackle calls sound like crushing a cat in a trash compactor. Now multiple that by 1000 because grackles never travel alone. If you don’t remember that part, you are totally screwed!
Anyway, that noise is not birdsong. It’s a war cry that the evil birds screech before they dive to peck out your eyes.
The first time I saw these flying rat birds was at night. 1000′s of them swarmed in the dark. The filled every tree within sight, making them look like they were topped with tar. Add in the awesome sound, and I finally understood why the movie The Birds was freaky.
The first time I saw it, I thought it would be like being pelted by butterflies. Who’s afraid of birds?
With an attitude like that, it’s easy to see why a bird apocalypse is inevitable. Grackles could use their bunny army decoys and then swarm in en masse.
People would be like, “Look, pretty birdies!” while the evil grackles took over the earth.
Grackle Apocalypse Survival Tools:
1. Duct Tape – Wrap your house, doors, windows, porch, everything! with the sticky side of the duct tape facing out. Actually, you need to have that neighbor down the street do it – you know, the one you hate and wish would suddenly have to move to Antarctica. Tell him you’ll do his house next. That way you are safe in your sticky grackle-proof house and your crappy neighbor is stuck outside during the grackle attack. Since mean neighbors are dumb, he won’t notice until it’s too late.
2. One Cat – Oops. That won’t work. Grackles eat cats. Obviously they make those hideous grackle sounds the loudest in trees, b/c they are eating live cats up there, and using trash compactors to tenderize.
Use cats as bait to lure the flesh eating grackles to your mean neighbor’s front porch.
Place the cat on the mat.
Ring door bell.
Run like hell.
3. Bunnies – Use bunnies as double decoys. This will fool the grackles since they use bunnies to attack. A few randomly placed bunnies will make the grackles think they already invaded your house.
Be sure to put little saddles on the bunnies. This makes them extra cute, and only the really evil grackles use bunny saddles. All the marginally evil grackles will stay away.
Disclaimer:
This is not an exhaustive list of how to defend yourself against grackles. The author cannot be held liable if you get pecked, attacked, or eaten by grackles. Big Bird is in no way affiliated or involved with grackles of any kind. Emo Elmo does not exist, nor was he in a grackle gang. Snow White does not fraternize with evil birds, and avoids all grackle-like birds since she was in the woods when her step-mom tried to have her heart hacked out by a crazy-ass hunter. Sam Butcher continues to create very cute Precious Moments figurines, none of which were attacked by grackles.
This post was written, in satire, entirely for the purpose of getting the readers ready for CURSED by H.M. Ward, the sequel to DEMON KISSED. Now you know what grackles are…be prepared. Tape, kitty, bunny! CHECK!
This is a reposting of a blog from June 8, 2011. CURSED is on sale for $3.99 this week! Go grab it!
